As a remembrance of today's 120th anniversary of the birth of the poet Jan Čep /31. 12. 1902 – 25. 1. 1974/, and also as a small New Year's reflection, we publish Čep's "Prayer," which was printed as a New Year's card in 1940.
My God,
I cannot know you otherwise,
come closer to you in any way
than through your incarnate Son.
And yet I often ask myself, when I read the Gospels:
If I had been among those,
who knew him on the roads of Palestine,
whether I would have heard his call;
or whether I would have denied him like Peter,
when he saw him condemned;
whether I would have despaired,
if I had heard his last cry on the cross.
It is true,
that I then saw him again with them,
when he appeared to them resurrected;
I walked part of the way with two disciples from Emmaus,
before they recognized him in the inn
at the breaking of the bread.
But then
how can I justify myself,
how can I explain to myself?
I have acted so many times,
as if I did not know him,
as if I did not feel his gaze upon me at every moment;
as if I could always do,
what I please,
and not care about
his will
and about
his love.
And now my earthly time is drawing to a close,
my bodily death is approaching.
To what horizons will the eyes of my soul open,
when I cross the threshold?
What will I see of myself,
when I see myself as
God has seen me all the time of my life?
In what form will I see the faces of those,
who preceded me in death
and whom I loved the most on this earth;
whom I loved so poorly, nonetheless?
What will my meeting with the Reality
that is supreme and complete be like?
Will I not be crushed before the gaze of the one,
who saw me and loved me in all moments
of my life,
while I often acted as if
I did not see him?
Yet it still remains to cross the threshold,
to say goodbye to those,
who have been closest to me in life
and who will kneel at my deathbed.
It will still be necessary to overcome
that last and supreme anxiety,
that remnant of uncertainty,
that is tied to our bodily fate.
Lord, Jesus Christ,
who are the way, the truth, and the life,
you know that I believe in you;
help me, however, to overcome my disbelief!
Be with me more and more
on this last part of my earthly journey
and help me,
that I may be more and more present before you.
So that I can answer your repeated question as
Simon Peter answered you at the Sea of Tiberias
after denying you three times at the courtyard of Caiphas:
Lord,
you know that I love you!
(Jan Čep /1902–1974/, Prayer)
