(letter written about a month after leaving Vydří)1
Praise be to Christ,
I greet you, Father Gorazd, from us and I also wanted to tell you (actually: I took the liberty to write) a few notes – or rather a story – about this year's exercises, from which I returned a few weeks ago. I apologize for writing now, but I first had to catch up on the work I missed, as I cannot think clearly when other things weigh on me.
I traveled with an eighty-year-old lady from Brno by bus without any problems, and it is precisely to this trip and not just to it that I want to return a little in my thoughts. The "scenic" bus on the Dačice – Brno route is an absolutely priceless way of transportation, especially when the weather is as beautiful as it was that Saturday, and when one does not have many opportunities to travel at this time of year. Our country is so beautiful, so diverse, literally glittering with the most beautiful shades of green, but also of all other colors, fertile, simply very blessed by the Lord. I have started to ponder Psalm 65 again, which in the ecumenical translation is titled – It is fitting to praise the Lord in silence – but from Vladimír Bogner it is titled Thanksgiving for God's Gifts. I prayed this psalm during the Friday Stations of the Cross, and it is flawless.
I told the Lord Jesus about eleven stations and asked for what I need – how I want to be sensitive to people, I have already told you that. And at the twelfth station, I paused and began to imagine what the Blessed Mother was doing under the cross. And I concluded that she probably remained silent – and at that moment, I fell silent, or rather was silenced, myself, because when the Lord Jesus is dying, nothing can be said.
Moreover, I was filled with a memory of my own experience when my little girl was dying, how one falls silent in pain and essentially completely loses words, has nothing to say. Fortunately, that was long ago, in the holy year 2000, and to tell the truth, I experienced one of my most significant awakening to the perception of God's closeness (as you talked about in the first exercise lecture), and only now do I realize what that actually was.
My child was born on March 2, 2000, the first Thursday of the month, which is dedicated to prayers for priests, and we named the little girl Maria. She came into the world after a completely normal pregnancy, when no one suspected anything extraordinary or tragic. Perhaps only my sixth sense warned me of something unusual, but I reasoned everything away, saying there was no reason to worry. Only after the birth did I suddenly find out that something might be wrong with the baby, that there was simply a lack of many organs in her little body, a kidney, one lung, aorta, others were twisted, or not in the right place. The baby was taken to Brno and I simply could not cope with it.
It was the worst shock of my life until that point, and I blamed the Lord for not standing by me: my husband and mother-in-law wanted me to have an abortion because it was already our fifth child, I rejected all their persuasion and insisted on keeping the baby. And now this from Him, to turn away from me when I was completely relying on Him. Maruška lived for eight months, I only had her at home for one month – in May, otherwise she was in the hospital in Brno in the intensive care unit and I was either with her or with the other children at home. And then something amazing happened to me that gave all that suffering, which seemed absolutely nonsensical from a human perspective, a different direction and dimension.
I was sitting in a chair and rebuking the Lord because I was not in a state to forgive him and because a mother, when it comes to a child, can put even God in line. And as I told Him everything, I concluded with an accusation that He should not pretend to be deaf, as I know very well that He hears me (horror – even now I apologize to Him). And He heard: He struck me to the ground, to my knees, head "in the dust" on the ground and at that moment I received the realization that this child is a great gift to the world (!), that Anička Zelíková was a great gift to the world, that Jesus Christ is an immense gift to the world – all three perceptions seemed to be individual, BUT AT THE SAME TIME IN ABSOLUTE UNITY IN ONE, in JESUS CHRIST – I cannot describe it.
And waves of immense gratitude, love, worship flowed through me and overwhelmed me, I had never experienced anything like it. At the same time, it led me to the realization that this is what man is essentially created for: for worship and thanksgiving to God. Since then, I called my little one a little Carmelite because the sixth sense (which is the Holy Spirit) constantly reminded me of the reconciliatory sacrifice and because her little body had no healthy unpainful place – on an innocent child. I imagined exactly how the Blessed Virgin Mary must have suffered when they tortured and killed her completely innocent Son, there was no healthy place on him...
Well, I had somewhat forgotten about this long ago, and when I arrived in Kostelní Vydří on Wednesday, I realized that my child is present here somehow much more, and thanks to your exercises, thanks to prayers and the Holy Spirit, I gradually remembered all this, but I was not able, nor did I want, to talk about it before anyone.
Maruška died on October 31, 2000, on the last day of the month of the Blessed Virgin Mary of the Rosary, the day before All Saints' Day. And thus the Lord God and the Blessed Virgin Mary actually held me throughout this painful stage of my life's journey. There are many other anchor points, but that would be enough for a whole book. And that is also one of the essential reasons why I want to live in Carmel.
Oh, I don't even know if everything I wrote to you makes sense. I ask for your indulgence, I am not a writer at all, I just want to convey my state and my observations about your exercises from my perspective. And there is nothing left but to bow down and thank God and to remain in His presence – Psalm 65 fits this excellently. Let's bless the Lord!
Thanks be to God!
Best regards, Marie
P.S. My words are so poor to express something like this...
