(letter, written about a month after leaving Vydř)1
Praised be Christ,
I greet you, Father Gorazde, from us and I wanted to tell you (actually: I took the liberty to write) a few notes - or rather a story - about this year's exercises, from which I returned a few weeks ago. I apologize for the delay, but I had to catch up on missed work first, for I cannot think clearly when other things are pressing on me.
I traveled safely by bus with an eighty-year-old lady from Brno, and it is to this journey, and not only to it, that I want to return a little in my thoughts. The "scenic" bus on the Dačice – Brno route is transport worth its weight in gold, especially when the weather is as wonderful as it was on that Saturday, and when one does not have many opportunities to travel at this time of year. Our country is so beautiful, so diverse, literally bursting with the most beautiful shades of green, but also with all other colors, fertile, in short, very blessed by the Lord. I have started to engage again with Psalm 65, which in the ecumenical translation has the title - It is fitting to praise the Lord in silence - but from Vladimír Bogner, it is titled Thanksgiving for God's Gifts. I prayed for this psalm through the Friday Stations of the Cross, and it is flawless.
At the eleven stations, I told the Lord Jesus about this and asked for what I need - how I want to be sensitive to people, I have already told you that. And at the twelfth station, I paused and began to imagine what the Blessed Mother was doing at the foot of the cross. And I came to the conclusion that she was probably silent - and at that moment I fell silent, or rather was silenced myself, because when the Lord Jesus dies, there is nothing to be said.
Moreover, I was filled with the memory of my own experience when my little girl was dying, how one becomes silent in pain and actually completely loses words, has nothing to say. Fortunately, that was a long time ago, in the holy year 2000, and to tell the truth, that is when I experienced one of my most important wake-up calls to the awareness of God's closeness (as you spoke of in the first exercise lecture) and only now am I realizing what it actually was.
My child was born on March 2, 2000, the first Thursday of the month, which belongs to prayers for priests, and we named the little girl Maria. She came into the world after a completely normal pregnancy, when no one suspected anything unusual or tragic. Perhaps only my sixth sense warned me of something unusual, but I rationalized everything and thought there was no reason for concern. It wasn't until after the birth that I suddenly learned that perhaps nothing was right with that little one, that many organs were simply missing from her little body, a kidney, one lung, aorta, others were tangled or not in the right place. They took the baby to Brno and I completely couldn't cope with that.
It was the worst shock of my life until then, and I blamed the Lord for not standing by me: my husband and my mother-in-law wanted me to have an abortion because it was already our fifth child; I refused all persuasion and insisted on my own and kept the child. And now this from Him, to turn away from me when I was completely relying on Him. Maruška lived for eight months, I had her home for only one month - May, otherwise she was in the hospital in Brno in the ICU and I with her or with the other children at home. And then something amazing happened to me that gave all that suffering, which from a human perspective was completely nonsensical, a different direction and dimension.
I was sitting in a chair, scolding the Lord, because I was not in a position to forgive Him, and because when it comes to a child, a mother is capable of making even God comply. And as I recounted everything to Him, I ended with a reproach, not to be deaf, as I know very well that He hears me (horror - I still apologize to Him for that). And He heard: I was struck down, on my knees, my head in the "dust" on the ground, and at that moment I received the understanding that that child is a great gift to the world (!), that Anička Zelíková was a great gift to the world, that Jesus Christ is an immense gift to the world - all three perceptions were as if separate, BUT AT THE SAME TIME IN ABSOLUTE UNITY IN ONE, IN JESUS CHRIST - I cannot describe it.
And I was flooded by such enormous waves of gratitude, love, worship, I have never experienced anything like it. And at the same time it led me to the realization that this is what man is created for in his essence: for worship and thanksgiving to God. Since then, I have called my little one the little carmelite, because with that sixth sense (which is the Holy Spirit) I was constantly reminded of the sacrificial offering and because there was not a single healthy, pain-free spot on her little body - on an innocent child. I could clearly imagine how Mary suffered when they tormented and killed her absolutely innocent Son, there was not a healthy spot on Him...
Well, and I had forgotten a bit about this long ago, and when I arrived in Kostelní Vydří on Wednesday, I realized that my child is present here somehow much more, and thanks to your exercises, to prayers, and to the Holy Spirit, I gradually remembered all this, but I was unable, and didn’t want to talk about it with anyone.
Maruška died on October 31, 2000, on the last day of the month of the Blessed Virgin Mary of the Rosary, the day before the Feast of All Saints. And so the Lord God and the Blessed Virgin Mary actually kept me throughout this painful phase on my life journey. There are many other anchor points on it, but that would take an entire book. And that is also one of the essential reasons why I want to live in Carmel.
Oh, I don't even know if all that I've written to you has head and tail. I ask for your indulgence, I am not a writer, I just want to convey to you my state and my observations regarding your exercises from my point of view. And there is nothing else to do but to bow and thank God and remain in His presence - Psalm 65 fits perfectly for this. Let us bless the Lord!
Thanks be to God!
With regards, Marie
P. S. My words are so poor to express something like this...
