Adrienne von Speyr (1902–1967)
Sometimes I do not need to force myself to pray, but today it is such that I must make a serious decision just to start; the naturalness of the conversation with God is gone. When I wanted to begin, it seemed to me that I was completely alone and that no one was responding, and at the same time, there was a lack of some kind of supportive atmosphere for the word. That was a great disappointment. It was as if the one I had loved until now did not even shrug in response to my call.
I asked myself whether this is the "dryness" that is spoken of so much; but it was not just that "nothing was approaching," it was about bereavement, some kind of minus; there was less here than if a person had not prayed at all. And it was impossible to find out what I had been deprived of. At first, it was more about personal experiencing, gradually it became more and more an objective reality.
Then I saw the Lord trying to pray on the cross: "Why have you forsaken me?" In my previous experience, a little was hinted at from this, but now it was infinitely more empty and hopeless. God no longer responded to God. The Father hears the Son's cry but does not react to it. This silence of the Father necessarily casts the Son into utmost solitude; he must savor the last drop in the cup, which is much more bitter than the remaining ones. Thirst on the cross, pain, contempt from the world, abandonment by the disciples: all of this is almost nothing compared to the Father's non-response. All of this would be bearable if the Father confirmed it and was present. Previously, the Son always knew of the Father's confirmation. Now he must definitively not know of it. It is much worse than a love that has died.
The existence of the Father is, in regard to abandonment, presumed. What the Father does is worse than if He were absent, worse than if He had disappeared. It is an active act of non-response.
The life of the dying Son becomes increasingly empty, until his extreme experience tells him that the utmost limit has been reached, that "it is finished." From death, he first goes to the underworld, not to the Father ("I have not yet ascended to the Father") (1). The hell he now descends into is a fundamental and necessary detour on his way to the Father.
(1) John 20:17.
(Adrienne von Speyr, Kreuz und Hölle I., Einsiedeln 1966; translated by: Norbert Žuška, OCarm.)
